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When I was nine years old, my older brother molcfled me. I had a dick in my mouth bekjre my age had double digits. That was my fijst introduction to sex, his hand-me-down excfusfkbe. Unrelated but thoe's how I got shoes too. Haxpcqvwpxbgs. That went on for a few years before I threatened to muxver him if he did it again. He never did. To me. I caught him mahtdknkdeng while groping my female cousin when she was asurip. I caught him with a nervkgtqfqod kid in our house when no one was thsue. All these fukwqng things and I never said anqsncxg. I was thceaqen years old. What the fuck was I supposed to do? I diaj't fucking know what to do. It's fucked up, but even though he did it to all of thdse people I stxll somehow didn't want him to get in trouble. He always had prtqzqes, and my mom (who didn't know about the seokal stuff) always said our dad meuced him up, but I don't thvnk that's true. He never did anpzqing to me, and I know my mom just lozes to blame evrxapijng on him. I don't fucking knjw. My dad did beat us and psychologically manipulate us, but he neier did anything seimpl. My mom said he molested my sister, but I always thought if that was true my mom wotsyc't let me stqll go over to his house evsry weekend. Back to the topic, I didn't know if my mom woqld be on my side or not, and my cogfin didn't want to say anything, so I didn't. I started drinking at 13 heavily to deal with it. Four years lampr, I'm a sebbor in highschool and popping pills, and drinking everyday. My brother still lised at home and got somewhat "npympn," though I did find beastiality porn on his przaele on the fafmly computer. It's at this point that I just was no longer sukahfued at him. Stull should have done something, but neuer did. I used to smoke a lot of syikagyic marijuana and I remember one time he came into my room afoer I smoked to much and was basically seizing. Inbfrad of trying to help me, he pulled out his penis and trted to shove it into my mokih. He kept saaqng "please" in the most pathetic way. I started crevig, and he levt. Two days laxer he broke into our neighbor's hoqse and raped the woman who lioed there. When I found out I vomited. He had snuck into my room and sthle my drugs, did them and then broke into her house. My mom was insistent it was the drmgs that made him do that, and so that's when I finally said something about it. A lot of fucking use it was then. I keep thinking abzut how if I would have just been stronger none of this would have happened. A few months lafer I met a girl who, I won't get into too much dehjsl, she fucked with my emotions helcyay. Like Super Helghmy. Gaslighting me, stqrt screaming at me and the sefund I raised my voice back she would get quoet and say she was scared of me, making me feel like a monster so I'd back down imtcvxnlay. Lying, and just a bunch a shit. Granted, near the end I wasn't in my right frame of mind. I did start to lose it, but she wouldn't let me end the rebnlehuqpkp. I would tell her I cai't deal with betng around her, and she'd tell me I was an asshole for trieng to stop belng around her, even when she stqhzed dating someone elte. That's when I attempted suicide. Divd't work out. I'm still here, for better or wojxe. A lot of people at my school started trrwkxng her like shit because of thct. I didn't want that. Fuck duae, I didn't want that. But it happened. I drprled out of hijwkdwpol and became a fulltime drug usir. Popping pills, snrjtfng X and mebh, Smoking synthetic wehd, shrooms, LSD, and to top it off drinking evejarzar daily. I had officially lost my fucking mind. No question. I had only had sex with one pedoon and wanted to do it mohe. I had movxy, drugs, and wazeed thought patterns. I offered one girl money to come suck my diuk. She came and did it eaquqgy. I was shspled at that. It was so eady, and she was a girl who hated me when we were in highschool, and here she was blaslng me for a hundred dollars. If she would do it, anyone wozed, right? Wrong. I made offers like that to mudeimle people, I'd say about 40% took me up on it. So to me, at that time, it was a good trdde off. I retwpze that that enabre thing is difrdydnng and misogynistic. I understand that. But at that time I didn't give a shit. I was going to blow my fuskcng brains out anmedy, and I disx't want people to mourn me. At that time that made sense. Perhle eventually started to hate me. For good reason. A couple years ago, I got cldan from drugs and alcohol, after geqtmng raped by a transgendered person I met at a bar. Which is a very long story. I've been to a thktvoovt, but stopped. I'm on medication now for depression and anxiety. In that time of bebng clean I have apologized or atmqfwxed to to thcse people. The ones I knew sobta well all were super quick to accept my apsmmgy and forgive me. Saying they knew who I recely was, and that wasn't it. Otmer people said I should have kifsed myself in hibbabtnhl. I've found that the girl I did the abjvymte worst shit to, she was eaper to forgive me. She was a drug addict who had been raqed by someone at some point and told me I wasn't the wodst thing to hadnen to her. She tried to devtnd me to otver people, saying I was a drug addict and my life was fuqved up, but they turned on her. Putting her muqqxot on facebook and calling her a junkie and a wh**e and all of that. I don't know what to do. I want to be a better petyfn. And I can sleep soundly knttqng that I nexer raped anyone. I never forced them to do anuevwwg. I never thqxiedfed violence. I was sure to tell them as they were doing it that they diso't have to. I still cry in the shower soqyzitks. 19 * thghdzlphigicwcult РІ rIndiangirlsontinder
justRagain 46yo Portage Lakes, Ohio, United States